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King Friday XIII
King Friday XIII (real name and date of birth unknown; date of death April 1, 2007; see below) was the dictator/monarch of Canada from 1951 to 2003. Road to Power ﻿On November 12, 1951, Canadian Prime Minister Sir Douglas Backbacon was found dead in his office in the Canadian capital of Snowville. Within an hour, a man calling himself King Friday XIII appeared on TV and radio proclaiming himself "absolute monarch of this land. Rise up, my fellow workers, and let me rule over you as a vicious despot!" Since the majority of the Canadian people were attending a Leafs-Canadiens game in Montreal at the time, there was no one to stop Friday's mad power grab. At first, things were good ﻿"At first, things were good," admitted dissident poet Bob Mackenzie in his diary, The Maple Gulag. "There were donuts in the shops, and less than half my immediate family was vivisected in front of me." But things soon turned sour as Canada fought a costly eight-year war with Iceland from 1956-64, depleting the nation of coal, oil, and round bacon. North Dakota War ﻿In 1971, Friday's troops seized what he called "Canada's twelfth province," North Dakota. Tanks rolled into downtown Bismarck and shot people at will for several weeks before it was discovered that North Dakota was in fact one of the United States. U.S. President D. Wire Newman repelled the invasion, but not before King Friday appeared at the U.N. Building in New York, banging his sceptre on the lectern and shouting, "We will ice you!" To this day Canadian troops still occupy large areas in the upper portion of the state, which the U.S. refuses to recognize as the province of North North Dakota. Downfall ﻿King Friday's terrible regime finally came to an end when President George W. Bush discovered that Friday was acquiring WMDs: Wonderful Maple Donuts. The WMDs, previously available only at Krispy Kreme shops in the Southern US, were being stolen by Canadian double agents (including Joe Flaherty, Norm McDonald and Marnie McPhail) and sold at Tim Hortons stores in downtown Toronto. In 2003, Bush initiated Operation Bostom Creme, striking at Friday from secret bases in the Great Lakes. Friday was forced to flee, but some have criticized the US Army for their inability to actually find the WMDs. (Some conspiracy theorists say all the Wonderful Maple Donuts were eaten by John Candy just before American troops captured Toronto.) ''Captured! ﻿The now-former King Friday agreed to appear on a new ABC reality show, ''Captured!, in which several former dictators squared off for a chance at amnesty. Unfortunately for Friday, he was the first one voted off the show and was arrested. Friday remained locked up at a secret location, eating Cheetos and posing for underwear ads, until his death on April 1, 2007. Who Was King Friday? ﻿Despite his incarceration, "Friday" refused to cooperate with federal authorities right to the end, never even revealing his true identity. (Various reports say that his real name was either McAllister Criminole, Joseph T. "Big Stuff" Sipowicz, or perhaps Alex Karras.) Category:Featured articles